Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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