yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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