mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
