If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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