Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
