I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
