Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
