i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
