that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He passed out mid-signature
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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