My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
i think my cat just said my name.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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