i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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