you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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