when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
