I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
