Already got asked if we're dating
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
