Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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