i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
