The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
