I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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