I looked at my own cervix.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
