I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
