I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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