Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
