I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
