I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
