You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
