Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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