I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
