After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
