I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
