Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
