Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
