woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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