The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
