so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
