Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
