Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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