You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
