Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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