That's when you crack a 10am beer
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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