you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
