highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I woke up under a house in Key West
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