i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
