I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
