"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
