So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
