Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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