I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
