What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Everything about him screamed your future.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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