today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Someone came in the potted fern
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
i out mim tonsoeep
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