I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
last night I used snow as a chaser
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
