sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just found a bag of teeth...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
